CHAMONIX, FRANCE — The international ultrarunning community was reportedly stunned this week by a troubling new medical discovery suggesting that the human heart, despite years of endurance training, may remain an actual human organ.
The revelation has sent shockwaves through a sport whose participants routinely regard a 26.2-mile marathon as “a nice little recovery jog” and believe breakfast should ideally be consumed while climbing 6,000 vertical feet in the dark.
“I don’t understand,” said one veteran ultrarunner, slowly eating mashed potatoes from a Ziploc bag. “My resting heart rate is 41. I haven’t sat down voluntarily since 2017.”
Medical experts confirmed that cardiovascular fitness is extremely beneficial, but clarified that running across several mountain ranges while surviving exclusively on electrolyte powder and tiny pieces of banana does not grant immunity from coronary artery disease, genetic heart conditions, aging, or being a mammal.
This came as devastating news to athletes who had long believed heart disease mainly affected people whose Strava accounts were set to private.
Researchers explained that endurance exercise can strengthen the heart, lower blood pressure, improve cholesterol, and provide numerous other health benefits.
However, in a finding described by ultrarunners as “deeply unfair,” doctors also confirmed that exercise cannot simply negotiate with a blocked artery.
“But I have a VO2 max of 67,” one runner reportedly told a cardiologist.
“Okay,” replied the cardiologist.
“And last month I ran 92 miles with 21,000 feet of elevation gain.”
“Yes.”
“In 17 hours.”
“Your artery is still blocked.”
Sources said the runner then stared silently out the hospital window for several minutes before asking whether hill repeats might help.
The news has also forced the endurance community to reconsider its longstanding diagnostic system, under which virtually every medical symptom is initially classified as either:
A.) dehydration,
B.) electrolytes,
C.) probably nothing,
or
D.) something that should clear up around mile 73.
“Chest tightness? Could be cardiac,” explained one trail runner. “Could also be the vest. Let’s not jump to conclusions.”
Doctors stressed that symptoms including chest pain, unusual shortness of breath, fainting, irregular heartbeats, or unexplained fatigue should be taken seriously — advice that immediately confused athletes accustomed to experiencing at least four of those things every Saturday morning.
Race organizers are now reportedly considering adding a new item to mandatory ultramarathon gear lists:
- waterproof jacket
- emergency blanket
- whistle
- 1 liter of water
- working knowledge that you are mortal
Still, physicians emphasized that running remains overwhelmingly beneficial and that serious cardiac events during races are rare.
Ultrarunners welcomed the reassurance.
“Fantastic,” said one athlete while registering for a 200-mile race through the desert. “For a minute there I thought we were doing something unreasonable.”
At press time, the athlete was researching whether coronary calcium buildup could be removed with a foam roller.