Officials confirm man merely spent 21 hours wandering Wisconsin, eating peanut butter, and repeatedly returning to same tavern
BELLEVILLE, WI—Despite running 101 miles in 21 hours, 31 minutes, finishing eighth out of 94 competitors, and traveling 38 miles farther than he ever had before, local ultrarunner Ryan Goodman was informed Sunday that none of it technically happened because his GPS watch died at mile 99.88.
“Unfortunately, the device failed to record the final 0.12 miles required for him to become a real person who did a real thing,” said fictional race-data commissioner Brent Vandenberg, solemnly closing a spreadsheet. “Without a complete activity uploaded to the internet, all we can legally confirm is that Mr. Goodman wandered around southern Wisconsin for nearly a full day while consuming bananas, cookies, Coca-Cola, beer, and an industrial quantity of peanut butter.”
According to witnesses, Goodman began the Badger Trail 100 at 6 a.m., following a largely straight rail trail between Illinois and Wisconsin. Race organizers had designed the route to be almost impossible to get lost on, a feature intended to preserve runners’ limited mental capacity for more important decisions, such as whether drinking a Coors Banquet at mile 35 counts as hydration.
Goodman reportedly maintained an 11-minute-per-mile pace for much of the race, despite expecting to slow considerably. Experts described this as a dangerous violation of ultrarunning etiquette, which requires participants to begin every event by publicly insisting they are undertrained, terrified, and hoping merely to survive before accidentally finishing in the top 10.
“At mile 70, he learned only 10 runners were ahead of him,” said fictional ultramarathon psychologist Dr. Elaine Footbucket. “This triggered a rare neurological event known as Competitive Resurrection, in which a person who has spent 14 hours insisting placement does not matter suddenly becomes willing to kill God for ninth.”
Goodman continued into the night, passing several runners while his crew attempted to calculate arrival times using a mathematical system consisting primarily of optimism, text messages, and whatever remained of his frontal lobe.
By mile 90, Goodman’s muscles were exhausted, his brain was struggling to interpret darkness, and his body had begun submitting formal complaints to management. His pacer joined him for the final stretch, walking slightly ahead to provide encouragement and ensure Goodman did not quietly lie down beside the trail and become part of Wisconsin’s transportation infrastructure.
Then, at mile 99.88, catastrophe struck.
Goodman’s watch went dark.
“I had prepared for dehydration, stomach problems, heat, storms, blisters, hallucinations, and catastrophic muscular failure,” Goodman said in this fictionalized account. “But nobody told me I could complete 100 miles without receiving a tiny digital map shaped like a broken shoelace.”
Emergency personnel confirmed the runner remained conscious but briefly lost all understanding of why human beings move forward.
“He had run through heat, pain, fatigue, and darkness,” said fictional crew member Aaron. “But when the watch died, that was the first moment we thought we might lose him.”
Aaron reportedly revived Goodman by pointing to a light behind them and claiming it was another runner. The possibility of being passed instantly restored circulation to Goodman’s legs, demonstrating that spite remains the human body’s most efficient renewable energy source.
Goodman crossed the finish line in 21:31:30, several hours ahead of his most ambitious goal. Race officials handed him a belt buckle and asked whether he had enjoyed himself.
“No,” Goodman replied, before immediately beginning the traditional ultrarunner recovery process: failing to sleep, twitching uncontrollably, drinking milk and beer, and discussing when he might do the exact same thing again.
Representatives from the GPS industry later offered Goodman their condolences and a discount code for a newer watch capable of recording 36 consecutive hours of preventable suffering.
As of press time, Strava had classified the event as a 99.88-mile “morning run” and congratulated Goodman on his third-fastest effort on the segment between Dot’s Tavern and irreversible psychological damage.
Because in ultrarunning, the body may cross the finish line—but until the watch syncs, the athlete is still missing.